I‘m a stand-up comedian hailing from Berkshire. I do ‘observational, self-deprecating, sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll catharsis’ (or at least that’s what it says here). Having performed across east and north London, late last year I started Panda Riot, a monthly comedy night at Kentish Town’s Torriano that splits all revenue equally among its acts.
But without further ado, here are the worst jokes I have both said – and heard said – on stage:
[quote] Two guys are out at a restaurant, the first has just got back from travelling. He says, ‘I saw a man-eating tiger the last week!’ And the other guy says, Ha, well I’m seeing a man eating a chicken right now!'” [/quote] Is this even a joke, I wondered? I just. Don’t. Know.
[quote] Internet dating is like applying for a job, and then when you get to the interview, you both look at each other and go, ‘Hey, maybe I’ll just go back to the dole, huh? Am I right?'” [/quote] God knows in the joyless, festering swamp of mediocrity that is ‘internet dating jokes’, this one really takes the biscuit. Hearing a simile so lazily stretched out and lamped at the end with an awkward silence just makes me want to rip my eyeballs out of their sockets and shove them in my ears to block out my senses.
[quote] I went out with a twin once. She had a beautiful pair. So I called her Twin Peaks.”[/quote] If you’re going to be dirty, be clever. I mean, it takes a lot to make a room full of men unhappy at the thought of tits, but this joke achieved that. And for that it earns a place.
[quote] My sister, mum and wife went away on holiday together. So my son says, ‘Dad, can we get takeaways while they’re all away?’ I said, ‘Yeah son, you can get takeaway ’til the cows come home!'”[/quote] I think this joke got the worst reception I’ve ever seen. Yet is it that bad? Really? A tiny bit of wordplay, lazy writing…but Christ! Room full of people groan and tell him to get off. Guy leaves stage and slits wrists. Audience go home feeling unfulfilled and kinda responsible.
[quote] My mother in law is so fat…”[/quote] I heard this about six months ago. Really. We’re at the point now in this post-modern, irony swamp of Hipstershire, where you assume they’re taking the piss. Two acts discussed it afterwards, one of them accusing the other of being a comedy snob. He asked: “Well, is it really bad if someone does a joke like that? And the other act replied “Well. It’s not bad if it’s not bad.”
[quote] I’ve gotten so single I’ve started shaving my left leg so I can rub my right one up against it at night.”[/quote] I said this. For three years. Then I found out a very established and awesomely funny act out there had an almost identical joke. And then someone told me that Gary Shandling said it years before either of us. Double nightmare. I still love it; and miss it.
[quote] Have you seen the pictures they put on cigarette packets now? Smoking will harm your baby and smoking causes miscarriages… If you’re a guy, just buy those two. Steer clear of the heart disease and lung cancer ones though!”[/quote] Or don’t.
